


Their Heads Explode.

by MasterChachki



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, M/M, Probs don't take this too seriously, Slight Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-20
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-03-08 10:07:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3205322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MasterChachki/pseuds/MasterChachki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Winchester brothers thought it'd be easy to just burn down an entire town. Too bad the world the way they were written won't allow them to comprehend it. And not in the 'supernatural' way.</p>
<p>Based on a Tumblr post.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Their Heads Explode.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this all in one sitting after not sleeping. Went back and edited it a bit, also. Kind of know that this is meant as a sort of parody? I did watch Supernatural up through season 4 and a few episodes after that. There's a reason I kept it to one fandom. And no way am I gonna say Night Vale's perfect, but you know, that whole acknowledge and love its perfections and whatnot. Oh yeah, major exaggerations galore? YEAH.
> 
> Also I couldn't find the post, so if any of y'all could link me, I'd appreciate it.

Enter scene, dark and stormy, it's raining as it usually would in a desert. All that water everywhere.

The Winchester brothers were arguing over the best way to take down this rumored town. This rumored town is said to have some of the most concentrated volume of supernatural events and unknowable circumstances. People from places such as the University of What It Is and traveling circuses enter and either leave scared and/or catatonic or never leave at all. One brother suggested salting the entire place while the other was insistent on burning it to the ground. They weren't going to even investigate at this point, as there was too much danger for either.

They were arguing about that and well, how they were supposed to find it. They were also debating on where they were going to go to celebrate this alleged take down much too early. They were oh so absolutely positive they’d make it out of there as soon as they found it and burned it to the ground, murdering everyone there.

Because that was the Winchester Way™.

Anyway, as the they continued to argue, their radio stuttered out and a smooth deep voice came through.

‘It seem listeners, that two people have somehow driven into our dear town. Reports say that Old Woman Josie and her non-existent angels told her that we should welcome them in our usual fashion.

‘Mayor Cardinal issued a town order that we were to wait a moment and allow her to meet them first. Apparently the tourism board has been screeching and sending letters via the roach subway system that we have not had good reviews left on our website lately.’

‘Yeah, because no one ever leaves this place,’ the older of the two brothers responds. The man on the radio seems to echo his sentiment.

‘I don’t know why one would want to leave or visit. Sure the occasional interloper loses often themselves in the Whispering Forest or somehow walks into the Dog Park...which does not exist and I will never refer to it again oh--again again since this is the second time today I have referred to it outside of this particular broadcast...or is left a bit less than well after our usual greetings. Night Vale is such a lovely place!’ there was an almost knowing and maybe even warning tone in the Voice.

The two share a look and pass a sign that welcomed them into said town, passing a solitary Outback Steakhouse that was absolutely worn down as if from a lack of rules. Such as running, or say, physics.

As they continued further into town, they pass by a woman in a suit standing in front of a menacing fence that had ‘The Dog Park’ written in big, bold letters on a sign. She was waving at them to stop.

The shorter brother, Dean, sent the literal moose one a look, to which he rolled his eyes. Of course, he had to continuously reaffirm his heterosexuality to their viewers. Even though his writers love to make it seem like they’ll eventually break from the heteronormative ways of television but only make them long for that representation all the more because of all the bait they leave in.

Oh dear, when did the Voice switch places with the author? How embarrassing, the two have made sure to go back to their respective spots.

As the brother leaned out of the car, he readied himself with pocket salt and put on his most charming smile. ‘Hey there sweetheart, we were just passing through. Heard some weird things on the radio, do you know anything about that? And what’s a little lady like you doing out so late? Could be dangerous for a woman such as yourself.’

The woman had for a short while worn a professional smile that almost reached her eyes. However, as the man continued to talk, it took on a more annoyed look as she closed her eyes to hide her anger.

‘Ah well, you see I’m sure the town would not try to attack its mayor, especially knowing what I’ve been through and what I’ve stopped. This, as you called me, ‘little lady’ may know a thing about danger in a desert,’ she replied. She took out a phone and sent out a text as the two brothers tensed and felt their heads hurt a bit.

‘It appears that Mayor Cardinal has alerted the town that after meeting the two, she mentioned that they use male pronouns, and that they have just earned the usual greeting. Oh! What’s this?’ the Voice paused. ‘It seems like a mute child has appeared in my booth dear listeners. They are completely indescribable and they have signed, through an interpretive dance that we should introduce ourselves by name and...by something that defines us? No? Oh! Something we like to use to define ourselves that can still change but to give us some sort of context to these outsiders!’

‘Did he just use they for a kid? That’s not grammatically correct, right? Does this guy not edit these things?’ Sam joked from the side. Mayor Cardinal’s eyes narrowed from their previously opened state as she no longer felt she needed to be as welcoming. Another pang went through the two brothers’ heads.

‘Oh...oh wow. According to witnesses coming outside to greet these...outsiders,’ the Voice seemed to be holding back words, though the two couldn’t understand why. ‘Of course ‘they’ is grammatically correct. I am not about to assume the gender of anyone I have just met nor gotten to know! That would be rude!

‘I have been told by my lovely Carlos that I am often quite sheltered from the world. Or rather, I am, as many of us other citizens are, sheltered from his world.’ Another shot of pain went through Dean and Sam’s heads. ‘I mean, he believes in mountains and doesn’t even know where Svitz or Luftnarp are! He isn’t a Geographer of course, but still he does know a lot of things.

‘And I thought he was exaggerating about some of the things he’s told me. Like how women, especially in media, were worn down to what he called ‘man-pain’ and used as tools to give a, could you believe it, a white male protagonist a reason to do things! Or if they were strong they too would suffer a similar fate sooner or end up being show up against their man. And then they fall in love? He said that things were getting better, but not at the rate it could be.’

The two brothers felt the pressure continue to grow in their heads as the Voice continued on, more passionately than they had begun.

‘And apparently, white male protagonists were actually the main thing outside of our town! And while they are awful people that spawn awful things, even our rivals, with all their all work, work, work plans, Desert Bluffs rarely had simply a white male protagonist in their media. And it was not so much rare as it was as common as everyone else to be the protagonist.’

The citizens had, at this point gathered around the three. Though more two, as Mayor Cardinal stepped back to join the crowd.

One by one they began introducing themselves. First was Tamika Flynn: a husky black girl with what looked like a shriveled claw hanging from her neck. Another girl wheeled up and waved cheerfully saying she was Janice Palmer, up and coming Scout Leader!

Another girl walked up, although still a bit awkward in her body. She was very tall and had a slight color difference between her hand and the rest of her body. She introduced herself as the young Meghan Wallaby.

Another woman walked up, absolutely fuming. She was Asian, of medium height, and carrying a clipboard holding both fanfics and recent broadcasts. She introduced herself as Intern Maureen and of fucking course the broadcasts were edited. Perfectly she added, with a muttered, ‘I wouldn’t still be around if they weren’t’. She flipped off the two as she went back to stand close to Mayor Cardinal.

A man seemed to have flickered in out of nowhere, apparently having been alerted to the most recent events. He was transparent but looked to be very tanned, partially from working in another desert for so long but also because of his Spanish heritage. He looked at them in the most knowing way, as if he knew them from somewhere and muttered something along the lines of ‘of course they’d be real here’.

Still, he smiled cheerfully at them and introduced himself as Carlos the Scientist and that he was the boyfriend of the Voice on the radio. Also he is a scientist and no he was not a ghost and to stop throwing salt at him, it incredibly rude and outsiders were only allowed a certain amount of that before the City Council became serious and sent the SSP.

As more people introduced themselves and the diversity grew, so did the brothers’ headaches. They thought it was the town, and it was only partially true as one more person appeared carrying a wireless microphone. They were neither tall nor short, thin nor fat, they had hair but could only be described as both ordinary and extraordinary all at once.

‘While it is true that this is partially true, as this author has stated, that the town is causing your pain, it is not the only reason,' the Voice had an echoing effect as their radio amplified their words. 'The other reason lies in your writers.

‘You see, while it is often that this town tends to cause visitors to go wild and leave immediately or go missing because of the way it is, it is ironically nothing supernatural that is causing your headaches.’ He paused long enough to give the two an almost pitied glance.

‘It is because your writers have caused for the two of you and also for all of your viewers to not get the chance to experience as much diversity as we who live here have. According to my boyfriend, apparently you have also had a character exist for so very long as an obvious throw to the queer community, as he had called it, but your writers have simply made it so that it will forever remain an almost and never a sure thing,’ the Voice glanced around a bit, nodding to each of their friends.

‘While I could never claim that our town is perfect, far from it in fact, or that its citizens lacked faults, we acknowledge and include as many as we can, our appearance may differ and our cultures vary widely, but we cannot exist in a world where we are so separate and anyone that is not of a particular race or ethnicity cannot survive past a few months. Death comes for all of us pretty equally here, after we’ve earned it of course.’

The two brothers held their heads in their hands, trying to curl more into themselves in an attempt to ease the swelling in their heads. The pain had not increased since the Voice began talking, but it most certainly did not diminish.

The Voice sighed, ‘and while I would and could continue on...while I myself find death and murder not my thing, I have not yet introduced myself and it is part of the laws set down that I must do so to every person that comes into our town. However, I want to give you two a fighting chance to get out of town before I do so.’

Dean and Sam stared at the Voice confusedly, not sure whether it was a threat, a warning, or a metaphorical olive branch.

‘You minds cannot handle this diversity. At least not as how you have been written. I am not an evil person, nor am I a good person. I am of course within that shade of grey taht aims for good, often fails, but does what they can,’ they pause. ‘I also would prefer not to get brain matter on any of my clothing. Especially this skirt, as it’s one of my favorites. I imagine that’s more of my double’s thing afterall.’

The Voice made a sort of shooing action and the two brothers attempted to reach towards the back through the pain in their heads. It was a sad attempt but it sealed their fate.

‘I told you both earlier that this was not something supernatural, your salt guns and holy water will not change anything. Nor any of that muttered chanting I can hear you over there! Even if it were supernatural, those chants are so outdated, they take so terribly long to do, we do have some better things and could have offered them to you if you weren’t so single minded in this quest. However, for the sake of not causing any of my town pain, or risk myself for future re-education, I shall now introduce myself.

‘My name is Cecil Gershwin Palmer. I prefer ‘they’ pronouns, though I am okay with typical male pronouns. I am this town’s’ radio host and on several occasions have pronounced my love for my dear Carlos on the one show several times, and the town in turn welcomed the Scientists because of my own love for Carlos.

‘I am a voice, the Voice of this town, and to any who listens I am important but cannot be described other than my existence and my perchance towards tacky clothing. To some, I appear as white, to many others, I appear African American, Native American, Indian, and to this writer, Filipino. I am often seen as having several tattoos that tell the story of my town, several piercings, and lose no respect for any of it.

‘I have cried for all to hear and I have been angry for all to hear and none of that has ever been seen as weak by any of my listeners. And I am so sorry that you have such cruel creators to ignore the existence and writing of so many that care for your existence that all of this has caused you not just pain...’

Cecil paused once more to stare and eventually shake their head at the two bodies that no longer had heads.

‘But also your deaths.’

Cecil turned back to their fellow citizens, a slight smile on their face as they saw Carlos, but held the mic back up and finished the day’s broadcast.

‘Stay tuned next as white bread wrapped in a blue scarf is locked away in the abandoned salt mines. Wheat and wheat by-products are illegal for a reason it’s almost elementary at this point.’

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if there's anything else I missed when editing this again, I didn't have it beta'd so. You know. Ooooone day I'll write a part two to that other fic. I'm not much of a writer haha. I swear I'm going to be full of regret after I click the post button. Yep yep.


End file.
